it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
