I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
