What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
