question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
