non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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