and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
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I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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