dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
