Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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