you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
