I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
