My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize