omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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