she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
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I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
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Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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