Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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