did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
