when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
