I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
