So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just had sex on a roof
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
