Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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