i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't deserve a penis
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
