can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
