I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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