I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
