I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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