My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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