Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
