We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
