i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
