my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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