I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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