Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
