ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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