True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
