I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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