Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
