Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
