My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
