cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
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