Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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