Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
