he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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