if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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