Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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