im six kinds of drunk right now
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
