I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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