Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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