His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
tell your sister to shave her snatch
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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