My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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