Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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