it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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