you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
