I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
