You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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