I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
