Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
