Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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