Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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