I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
