I'm really into asian looking animals
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
