I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
