I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?