Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
